Sweet and Soft
by CaramelIllusions
Summary: This world is cruel. That was a fact Mikasa had come to learn at a young age. A viewpoint that made her into who she was now. But she could be better. She could be more than a scarf. She could find beauty, purpose, and love even in this cruel world.
1. Starting point

_Disclaimers. I am not an expert in relationships all my knowledge on relationships is second hand from family and friends. The experiences you may have had may not be completely reflected in this story._

_For the Eremika shippers out there. While I personally don't ship ErenxMikasa on the fact that they are step-siblings. I am not saying this relationship is inherently bad or toxic and you are bad or toxic for liking it. This is simply one perspective, and one take on their relationship. It should also be noted I am an anime fan only. I have not read the manga, played AOT games, or seen interviews, etc so all the characterization for this story is mostly derived from the anime and my own headcanons. With all that said I hope you enjoy reading this._

_PS: Cross-posted on Archive of Our Own under the same name_

* * *

This world is cruel.

That was a fact Mikasa had come to learn at a young age.

A fact she had foolishly tried to deny, hiding from the truth behind a white veil of innocence that was roughly torn away the day the burglars came. She knew then that the world was a ravenous monster that took and took and rarely gave anything back. Everything in this world was born only to die. Given life only for it to be taken away.

Her father with hair spun of dark gold and eyes as blue and as open and honest as a clear blue sky was the first to be taken that day. The dark marron of his splattered blood blending into the red flannel of his shirt. Discarded and pushed aside, his body hit the wooden floor with a heavy thud. Only moments ago he was praising her sewing skills and offering a smile so warm and bright it felt like sunshine. His hands large and calloused from all the woodworking he's done had only moments before been filled with warmth as they patted her head. It took a second maybe less for the world to take her father's sunshine smile and warm hands away.

Her mother was a talented seamstress with the softest grey eyes that shone like a gentle quartz moon and hair as black as night and as soft as silk. She was the second to be taken from her in the same span of time. Grabbing her silver scissors she flew out of her seat in a dash of black. There was a struggle, but not much of one. Her mother was slender and frail and a hard blow to her head rendered her dead in seconds.

Had it not been for the commotion her mother had created as she attacked the burglar; wild and feral and screaming like a banshee then the boy next door wouldn't have come brawling in wielding a gun. Mikasa took her mother's discarded scissors in hand having been shaken to the core. The sliver scissors gleamed and where coated in the red residue left over from the now-dead burglar that laid spewing blood from his jugular. The scissors felt warm...hot even, humming in her trembling hands. The boy with eyes blazing green had caught two of the men by surprise and quickly, much too quickly killed them. The third adult recovering from his terror held the small child by the collar of his red scarf kicking the gun away as soon as it fell from the boy's hands. He was shouting, the boy was shouting too.

It was white and red. The white noise of screaming and struggle and the red of the blood, the red of his scarf, the red of his face flushed with rage and the green broke her out of her trance. His eyes strong and reckless and blazing glared at her. They glared at her daring her to rise to the challenge; while at the same time beckoning her to take the bait. To survive. To fight.

"Fight! You have to fight!"

Yes, she had to fight because if she didn't then this cruel world would swallow her whole without a second thought. She screamed as the world went bloodshot red, the same color as her father's blood, as her mother's blood, red like the boy's warm scarf.

She owes him her life.

He in many ways gave her the strength to fight and for that, she was eternally grateful. Her admiration and thankfulness towards him were ineffable. She vowed that day to return the favor by becoming his strength. She's never felt so protective of anything ever in her young life and she is sure it must be love. He came in like a knight in shiny armor and whisked her away from the horrible world shielding her from the cruel, cold December wind with his warm red scarf. His act of kindness, of bravery, moved her heart in ways it had never moved before. It was soft and sweet and vulnerable.

And, it could be taken away.

The warmth of a scarf could be snatched away at any moment, letting the cold winds of reality ravage her once again. So she had to protect it. Protect _him_. Give him everything. He was her scarf, her warmth, her reason to keep living...the reason _why_ she was living. He was warm and soft and a form of protection from the world just like the scarf he gave her

...She wasn't ever let that go.

So she'd follow him the same way his shadow did. Consistently behind him. Trailing just a little further behind protectively glancing over his shoulders for any signs of danger. She always made sure to have aspirin and bandaids on her person because he was such a rowdy and reckless individual. Her aunt Kuchel, who had taken her in after the burglary, would often tease her saying she was Eren's personal nurse.

Eren.

He was her everything. He had become her world after she lost everything. She never thought to question her devotion. All she knew was that she wanted him to need her like she needed him. She wanted to be useful like a scarf. She couldn't bear the thought of being abandoned again.

That moment back when they were ten years old...when he wrapped his scarf around her. She swears she saw iridescent phosphenes surround them in a nimbus of light and warmth that deeply contrasted the white cold backdrop of winter. It was like what she had read in fairy tale stories

She felt sweet and pure

Mikasa had always been a fan of sweets and she fell in love with that feeling. She would give anything to feel that way again. To feel innocent and warm like chocolate. She was convinced the only way and the only person who could ever make her feel that way again was Eren. It must have been destiny then that they meet on that day. It was meant to be and even as she grew older she held onto that conviction.

* * *

The night of the burglary he was on edge. Just weeks prior he swore he saw some suspicious people milling around his house in a black SUV. They were tall and huddled in a group with eyes scanning nearby houses. They were up to no good. He could feel it in his bones! When he raised his concerns to his father he reassured him, stating facts about how safe the neighborhood was, how he was friends with a police officer, and how they had the latest house security installed just last month. The little company sign protruding out their yard as proof of their security.

The man was too content, too easy to brush him off and that made a small ember in his belly grow hot. Eren was never content with being well..content, not when he could do something. Waiting for something to happen was the way of the coward! You have to take action!

So that night he readies himself. Arming himself with a small pistol and barley a handful of bullets, just three to be precise. All of which he stole from his father's basement, without either parent's knowledge. He snuck downstairs when his father retired to said basement and his mother went to bed upstairs. A scarf wrapped tightly around his neck and coat buttoned up he hid behind one of the bushes just in front of his house, guarding it.

It was cold...and he wanted to go back inside after only a few minutes, but just then he saw figures approach the next-door neighbor's house. His finger found the trigger and he readied himself...the thought came that it may just be some friends or family members coming to visit but as soon as that door opened that idea was thrown out the wind and when he heard a woman screeching he jumped into action.

Looking back on it now, he saw how reckless and selfish he had been. He had only been concerned with keeping his own house safe...He was not fully prepared to defend anything else...or anyone else... He ran in gun literally blazing with no plan and no backup...he could have died in vain and he shudders to think would have happened to Mikasa if that had come to pass.

He likes Mikasa, loves her as a brother would a sister. She was a wonderful person but she was flawed in a way his young mind couldn't really understand. She was strong but she clung to him like weights. She was caring but she wrapped around him like a strangling scarf in mid-June. She loved him but he always felt like it wasn't genuine...It was hard to describe… There was something in her eyes whenever she directed her love towards him, but it was distant like it wasn't really directed at him. Like it wasn't really meant for him.

And the way she showed her love towards him rubbed him the wrong way...She treats him like a king and delegates herself as a servant. He hates that. Hates how even though she is so strong she is also so very weak. Sometimes she makes him feel weak and frustration starts to build because he doesn't know how to handle those feelings. No one really showed him how...Oh, wait his mother did. Yes, when she is frustrated she turns red and starts shouting...so that's what he does and it makes him feel better...slightly...If he shouts she'll back off, if he pushes back when she tries to push forward she should get the message. That he didn't want to be in a relationship. Not right now and not with her. He was sure if he didn't reciprocate her feelings she would move on, but that wasn't the case.

She was stubborn! She was so very stubborn in her false belief. Mikasa wasn't a liar by trade but her poker face was unmatched. No one could tell when she was angry or sad or even happy. So lying about her feelings came easily to her. Sometimes she lied so well she believed it and one time she lied so well she made Eren believe it.

The end of Junior High came. It was the last day. She had waited patiently since they were 10, but nothing came from it. Mikasa knew that if she didn't say anything, nothing would change. _Change never comes to those who wait it comes to those who act_. That is what Eren had taught her, so she took those words to heart. Now was the time to act...It was just a shame he never did anything in all those years, never reciprocated any of her gestures; she likes to believe it was just because he was too prideful to do anything. She _needs_ to believe that…

So that day behind the school's magnolia tree she confessed. She poured her heart and soul; laid it bare for him and made herself vulnerable for the first time in a long while.

"I think I like you...no I know I must love you...Eren you make me feel strong and I care about you so deeply. I care so much that it hurts...All I want is to be by your side! Would you grant me that wish?"

He blinked and 15-year-old Mikasa was gone in her place stood a 10-year-old Mikasa with long black hair and a pale worried face hidden behind a large red scarf. She was scared and he made her feel safe. He was strong and he made her strong to...

His heartbeat quickly. Pitter pattering in a way he never felt before. His head was still reeling and his pulse was rushing. His legs felt like jelly and when he blinked again 15-year-old Mikasa was back again still anxiously awaiting an answer… _expecting_ an answer after placing all her expectations on his shoulders...He swallows a nervous wad of spit...She deserves to feel loved, to feel strong. If he made her feel that way then that was good, that meant he was also strong. She loved him. She _said_ she did...But...

What would she do if he rejected her? Right here, right now…? His shoulders felt heavy and a single word flew out of his dry throat.../

"Okay…"

That day Eren and Mikasa started their relationship.


	2. Overall Relationship

The first year was like floating on cotton candy. Airy, unreal but undoubtedly sweet and soft. For the first time, Eren actually reciprocated her affections. When she reached for his hand he didn't pull away. When she drew closer to his personal bubble he would close the distance. It was nerve-racking and they fumbled once or twice stumbling from their inexperience and flustered emotions. It was like traversing a land of pudding with wobbly knees. But, it was nice...She felt sweet and worthy, it was a feeling she got addicted to. A feeling she loved more than anything else.

When she was with Eren the whole world seemed to disappear. No, that wasn't right. iI was more like the world came into focus. Eren was her world and he would come into focus whenever he was in her line of sight while everything else blurred away. People, reality, and everything…It was like the outside world didn't exist, the cruelty of the world just disappeared...It was wonderful...

She knew she could devote her entire being to this one person, to the only person who could make her feel strong and useful. Desires? Eren. Likes? Eren. Hobbies? Spending time with Eren, helping him with anything and everything. Dislikes? Being away from Eren, not being able to be useful to Eren. Career path? Whatever Eren wanted...Oh, he wants to join the army? That's so very dangerous but how noble of him. She should join and make sure he's safe.

Eren.

Eren.

Eren.

Eren.

Soft.

Sweet.

Sweeter still.

More sweetness.

More!

Love her more, appreciate her sacrifices. She's given up on friendships because who else does she need but Eren? Who else can make her feel this way?

What _she _wants? What does that matter? So what if she hates the way he picks fights with others? So what if she grows frustrated having to play nurse all the time and reprime him for his actions like a mother? So what if she feels misunderstood and ignored?

This wasn't about her.

It's was all about Eren and his love for her. Make him happy, take care of him, protect him from the cruel world. Make him love you more. Make him _need _you.

Soft.

Warm.

Sweet….

...**_Bitter_**...

Suddenly it was very bitter…

Like dark chocolate...

* * *

He looked at her with gentle pine forest eyes. She was beautiful, always was, that he could admit. She was even more beautiful now that she was happy. But, she only ever seemed content and satisfied when he indulged her. She _needed _him...so he couldn't exactly refuse her...Normally he would swat her hands away when she goes to wipe food off his face, but recently he's let her do as she pleases. He used to shout at her for babying him, now he just quietly mumbles...He was being pampered and he HATED it. He couldn't _go _anywhere without Mikasa following him. He couldn't _do _anything for himself without Mikasa offering to do it for him. She was suffocating. He felt...trapped...like a pampered fat bluebird stuck in a cage wanting nothing more than to fly out into the open blue sky. He wanted his freedom back. He wanted his authority back, his time back...He wanted...himself back...if that made any sense...He wasn't Mikasa's. He shouldn't have to feel this trapped like he doesn't even own himself...Mikasa doesn't own him…! No one owns him! Now he looks at her with cold jade eyes that burn.

It doesn't happen overnight... milk chocolate doesn't become dark chocolate overnight. Warm pine eyes don't become cold jade eyes overnight...It was gradual and slow like a frog being boiled alive. Because for those first few years it really was as sweet as candy and they really thought it was love. It took time for their relationship to shift from sweet to bitter...but looking back on it now they could pinpoint key events that lead them down this path...After all, the descent into dark chocolate was a process…a process that took four years to complete.


	3. The Sweet

For their first-ever date, they stumbled onto the agreement that on Sunday they would go to a well-known ice cream shop located downtown. Eren loved trying out new places and Mikasa loved ice cream. So it worked out perfectly as Eren had been wanting to explore more of the downtown area and Mikasa had been craving something sweet for a while now. The ice cream parlor was fairly small, but they had a wide array of ice cream flavors each one more enticing than the last. There were so many choices!

Eren placed a hand on his chin and mused over his decision...Mikasa gazed at him from the corner of her eye adoring the overly serious face he had on right now.

Finally coming to a decision Eren nodded his head before turning to Mikasa.

"What flavor do you want Mikey?"

A warmth spread throughout her body as a strange tingle ran up the course of her spine. Reeling in her happiness she was careful to keep her stoic face intact…As soon as her nerves settled down she replies in a cool tone.

"I'll just have whatever you get." She responded. She wasn't really picky. Ice cream was ice cream after all.

"We both can't choose the same flavor!" He whined.

She tilted her head ever so slightly in confusion.

"Why not?

"Come on! They have so many flavors here. If we both get the same one we would be missing out!" He retorted.

"Ah...well just chose something else for me." She replied easily.

He pouted and she let a smile slip. Her smiles were so rare, rarer than diamonds and were as bright as the twinkling stars on a clear midnight sky. A strange sort of bubbly feeling rose up from his chest and he couldn't help but smile back, pout long gone.

"Fine, but no complaining!" He groaned with a dramatic eye roll and a small smile.

"Never."

Eren ended up choosing the roasted strawberries and buttermilk flavor for Mikasa and he himself had opted for the chocolate chili flavor. They walked down the buzzing streets hand in hand happily enjoying their ice creams. Eren's emerald eyes caught sight of some ice cream splotches on Mikasa's right cheek. Mikasa had opted to not wear her favorite red scarf on the account that it was midsummer and it was crazy hot out today. He snickered.

"What is it…?" She asked curiously slightly tilting her head to the right her jet black hair swaying with her motion.

It was cute...An idea came to mind. A devious idea. With a sly smirk, Eren leaned in and cheekily licked the ice cream of her cheek. It tasted pretty good.

Red bloomed on Mikasa's face, her eyes widening in complete shock. A smug smile appeared on Eren's face as he leaned forward again getting dangerously close and with a teasing tone he asked:

"Are you...blushing?" He could barely contain his snickers.

"What, no." She replied quickly turning her head so he couldn't see the rose on her cheeks.

But it was a moot point. He had already seen it and he was in a teasing mood today.

"Did I get the ever stoic, hardcore, total badass Mikasa to blush?" He faked a gasp leaning into Mikasa's personal space.

"No...It's just... the cold." Was her sorry excuse for the flush in her cheeks. Her ice cream started to melt and whether that was because of the heat radiating off her cheeks or because of the sun she didn't know.

"It's like a gillian degrees, you'll have to try harder than that Mika." He replied with a snort before finally, _finally _moving away from her personal bubble.

"It was..you caught me off guard is all…." She mumbled wanting nothing more than to hide behind her nonexistent scarf.

"You look adorable when you're caught off guard."

Mikasa let out a pathetic squeak of a reply and Eren burst out laughing at the sound.

* * *

Mikasa found joy in working out. When accumulated sweat falls off her chin and her muscles start to ache and groan she feels accomplished. She always pushes herself to go further, to do better, to improve. Becoming faster, stronger, better. To say her workout routine was brutal and demanding would be an understatement and she wouldn't have it any other way. It helped her clear her head.

She took great care of her body and always made sure to eat healthy, to go to bed at a specific time and wake up at a specific time. She had long ago become a regular at her local gym and whenever she came in she was always greeted warmly by other regulars. Sometimes they would even share secrets and work out tips amongst each other.

But, it wasn't until recently that she realized her workout routines and habits took time away from her schedule. Time she could be spending with Eren. So she cut back on it, just a little to make sure she was devoting enough of her time and attention to Eren. She didn't want him to feel neglected and so she took it upon herself to make her schedule work around his. A part of her, the logical part, advised in talking with Eren so they could work their schedules around each other instead of taking all the burden herself. But another part, a louder part shuddered at the thought of doing that. Instead, offering its own two cents on the matter.

_"That would be selfish of you to do. Why should Eren have to accommodate for you? Isn't that unfair? He already has so many other things to worry about like cram school, his part-time job, and getting scholarships for college. He might get annoyed, you know how temperamental he is. _

_He'll think your selfish. He'll think your annoying. He'll throw you away if you aren't useful. _

_It would be better if you just work your schedule around his so he doesn't have to worry about it. That would be useful and a good showcase of your devotion." _

It was a rather convincing argument. Mikasa thought. She didn't want to burden her Eren after all. So just for this week, she cleared her schedule completely, just in case Eren wants to go on a date or anything..._ You could ask him out on a date yourself instead of waiting… _a voice said...She paid it no heed and when Eren later that day asked if she wanted to go have dinner with him Friday she was glad she had paid attention to that loud voice instead of the logical one.

* * *

Eren vaguely remembers his mother saying that despite knowing his father for years now, there are still many things she doesn't know about him. He didn't understand it at the time but as he converses with Mikasa in this warmly lit Italian restaurant he thinks he gets it.

Mikasa was like a geode, strong and hardy with a boring stone surface hiding a glimmering treasure that was massively more interesting once you broke through that stony exterior. Now that he thought about it they hardly really talked much. Mikasa was a woman of few words and he preferred action over talking. They had conversations and even joked around several times before but this is the first real in-depth conversation they've had in a while. He was discovering so many new things about her that he didn't want to stop talking. He wanted to deepen their understanding of each other. He wanted to know everything there was to know about her.

Then the topic of careers came about when he casually mentioned wanting to enlist in the Army instead of heading out to college.

"I think you would make a great personal trainer." He casually commented in between forkfuls of pasta.

"You think?" She asked the slight flush of her cheeks indicating embarrassment.

It was cute. All of her micro-expressions were cute.

"Well as long as you don't make them do your workout regimen. Seriously Mika, I think you have to be part-demigod or something. Even Reiner has trouble keeping up with you!"

"Pfft... Reiner's muscles are all show no substance." She said flatly her eyes glittering as the edge of her lips twitched upwards into a smirk for a semi-second.

He really did appreciate her more nuanced expressions.

"Strength isn't just about the muscles it's also about your CNS and brain function." She continued tapping her temple for emphasize.

"Omg...I'm totally telling Reiner you called him stupid!" He said cheekily stifling a laugh.

"Not what I said, but I don't disagree." Was her smooth reply.

Eren snorted in response.

After a few seconds Mikasa spoke up again.

"...Actually, I was thinking of becoming a physical therapist...maybe one that specifically works with kids.."

Eren blinked at the revelation.

"Really? Why?" He asked curiously. It was the first time Mikasa ever brought up the fact that she wanted to be a PT.

She twirled the straw around her sweet tea causing the ice cubes to clink together. She was thinking. Searching for the right words.

"This world is vicious...one can't afford to be weak...If you want to survive you have to be strong...I want to help the weak. I want to help make them stronger so they can have a chance in this cruel world..."

A fond smile finds its way onto Eren's face.

"I think that's a wonderful goal. You would be a great PT."

Her heart fluttered and she pulled at her scarf slightly as a small smile tugged at her lips.

"You saying that..means a lot to me...thank you…"

* * *

Eren could be childish sometimes and that was okay it was part of his charm...But, sometimes she felt less like a girlfriend and more like a mother. Having to wake Eren up for his afternoon cram school and make his lunch definitely boarded the line between girlfriend and mom.

"Eren…"

She knocked on his door before walking into his dark bedroom noting the number of scattered articles of clothing on the floor… She left out a sigh of defeat as she bent down to pick them up and put them in the laundry.

When she came back she saw Eren was currently splayed out on his bed, blanket kicked to the ground and his shirt coyly riding up his stomach showing off his tanned skin. It was weird to see him so quiet...and so vulnerable...He was drooling. Mikasa bit back a giggle raising a fist to bite down on as she held in her amusement. He was so cute. Without much thought, she pulled out her phone and took a quick picture. This was definitely going to be her new lock screen.

She nudged him gently. He stirred but remained asleep turning over on his side quietly mumbling under his breath.

"Eren.." She cooed leaning closer as she kept shaking his shoulder.

He grunted and slurred his words.

"Mmmh?"

"It's time to get up."

"I'm hibernating right now go away!" He replied swatting her hand off his shoulder.

"Eren...You are not an animal and it's not winter...get up..."

Her voice was rising in volume from the gentle whisper she used early. It was a warning. A warning Eren promptly ignored.

Standing up Mikasa went to the window and swiftly drew the curtains allowing the blinding sun to fill the room.

"Hey! Close the goddamn curtains!" He yelled as he covered his face with his arms to avoid the rays of the sun.

"Eren. You need to get up."

"NO! I'm not getting out of bed!" He whined huddling closer to the side of his bed furthest from the sun.

Mikasa sighed before making her way back to Eren's bed

"Alright."

"W-wow...Hey, put me down!" Eren exclaimed his face tinting pink as Mikasa picked him up bridal style.

"Nope."

"Mikasa..!" He pouted.

She placed her forehead on his intently looking into his vibrant green eyes.

"Don't worry, I'm never gonna let you down…"

His eyes widened in realization before narrowing down to a piercing glare.

"...don't…"

"Don't what?"

"Just don't."

He signed before tentatively placing his head on her shoulder hiding his face in the crook of her neck.

"Thank you for waking me up...I appreciate it, I know I can be a handful in the morning…"

"It's the afternoon."

"Oh, shut up…" He groaned drowsily...

A few seconds of silence befell them before his body went limp...

"Ah..he's asleep again…"

_'Oh well,' _she thought as she carried him downstairs and placed him on the couch of the living room before making her way to the kitchen. Hopefully, the smell of food would wake him up and lure him in.

.

.

.

He really was like an animal...like a cat..or maybe a really lazy dog..?

Mikasa spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out what kind of animal Eren was akin to.

* * *

_Author Secrets:_

_When Mikasa said "I'm never gonna let you down" she was unaware that she was rickrolling Eren so she was really confused when he said don't. _


	4. Bitter

Chapter Text

Mindlessly scrolling through his phone the sound of footsteps caught Eren's attention. He saw a nice pair of long legs, a slim elongated face and an ash brown undercut...It was horse face! He could feel a smile start to tug at the corners of his lips. He raised a hand to get his attention and called out to him using his 'nickname' for the blonde.

(Jean insists it was an insult and not a cute nickname)

Jean's usually soft horse eyes seemed to harden over when he spotted him ...He went from walking briskly to a full-on sprint. Running like a majestic horse.

"Eren you jackass!" Jean screamed before swinging his fist.

"What the fuck, Jean?!" Eren howled.

His hand reaching to tentatively touch the side of his head where Jean had socked him. Duly noted that Jean was strong.

"Just when I was starting to trust you! You betray me!"

Eren's eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he looked around for someone, anyone to explain what the fuck was going on.

"What are you talking about, horse face?!"

Eren could feel his blood start to boil. Why did he hit him? It was probably for some stupid reason! Doesn't he know that it hurts like a motherfucker?! Unsympathetic bastard.

"Mikasa!"

Now he was just shouting his girlfriend's name apropos of nothing!

"What about Mikasa?" He was seething now.

Someone tell him what's going on. He was feeling like an idiot. Was that his plan? To make him feel like an idiot? He always felt like a fool when he hung around Jean for too long.

"You're dating her!" He shouted.

"Uhh...Yeah so..?"

"What do you mean so? You knew I liked her!"

Eren blinked...Jean...liked Mikasa…? Since when…?

"Hey, hey! Don't give me that oblivious look! It was obvious! I mean the only reason I hang out with you is because of Mikasa!"

….oh….

That hurt...That really, _really _, hurt to hear. It hurt more than when he clobbered him...It felt like something was tearing him apart from the inside out…It hurt...Why would…? He was using him..? His blood ran hot and his skin flushed red...Everything was blurring...Why was it blurring..? A teardrop fell...ah...that's why...

"...E-Eren…? Are you…?"

"Y-You..dick!"

Eren charged forward and made sure to hit Jean across that pretty boy face of his, before booking it...How dare that horseface make him cry! Why was he still crying!?

Furiously rubbing tears out of his face he tried to hold back any more incoming tears. He hated the waterworks.

"_The only reason I hang out with you is because of Mikasa!" _

**Fuck! **

Just when he thought that maybe they were starting to get along...he thought that maybe Jean didn't hate him, that maybe he might actually..._**URG!**_He didn't want to think anymore. He didn't want to think about Jean, or Mikasa or why he felt so sad when Jean admitted he only hung around him because of Mikasa...What was so great about her anyway?! She wasn't so great! If Jean knew her like he did...then…

If Jean knew _him _better then he would know that…

..that...

**That Mikasa wasn't better than him! **

He didn't bring this up to Mikasa. A part of him knew that if he did then whatever relationship the two may have had with Jean would be served without question. It was scary now that he thought about it. How quickly Mikasa was able to cut ties with people simply because of what Eren may have done or said...and as his seemingly final act of friendship towards Jean he chose to remain quiet on the matter.

He still wasn't so sure why he overreacted that way...It felt normal to feel a bit angry towards the blonde as not only did he hit him but he admitted that he had the hots for _his _girlfriend...but this feeling of disappointment was something new...and unusual...He needed to get his mind off of this.

"Mikasa let's go to the fair!"

"Okay…"

10 minutes into their fair date and already Mikasa was carrying a handful of won prizes. She was so good at everything she did. Always was even as a kid. She was what people called a natural-born prodigy. Quick to learn and quick to perfect. He himself always struggled. It wasn't that he wasn't smart it just took a little longer for things to sink in. His mother always did say he had a thick head and an even thicker skull...it seemed for each labored step forward he took Mikasa took two flawless bounds...It must be nice to be a natural-born prodigy never having to work hard or struggle…His grip on her hand tightened slightly…

She looked over fleet concern crossing her face.

"Are you feeling alright?" She asked with gentle eyes.

"Hmm...oh yeah!" He replied his train of thought abruptly cut off.

"If there's anything wrong don't hesitate to say." She spoke softly with worried eyes as she interlaced their fingers together.

"Geez, Mikasa quit being such a worrywart I told you I'm fine!" He growled.

"...ok…"

She's upset...shit...A half-assed apology was already on his lips when…

"_The only reason I hang out with you is because of Mikasa!" _

The apology died in the back of his throat...

He was always compared to Mikasa by friends, family, and teachers…

They always said Mikasa was better. That she was perfect, well behaved, smart and more mature...He should consider himself very lucky to have her as a friend and as a girlfriend...She was strong and attractive and it made sense that Jean would fall for her...But...he was strong to! Just as that thought crossed his mind he spotted a high striker strongman game. He made his way over and Mikasa happily followed him their hands still interlocked together.

He was going to win. He was going to win something for Mikasa! He was going to prove he was just as strong as she was...that they were equal…! Taking the hammer in his hands he felt strength course through him.

"Which one do you want?" He asked with a confident smile.

"Hmm...I'm fine with whatever you get me…" She responded after lazily surveying the prizes available.

She truly didn't care, just the fact that Eren got it for her was enough.

Eren pursed his lips in thought with a slight frown…Was she always like that? Always so...unconcerned and dispassionate? Was that the word he was looking for…? Shaking his head he didn't care to dwell too much on that thought. He had more pressing manners to deal with like winning this carnival fair game. He glanced at the prizes that were at the very top and ignored all the 'loser' prizes…

There were a lot of large cute plushies, most being from well-known franchises like Pocket Monster...Mikasa loved cute things, had a certain weakness towards them, but she didn't like video games… Knowing all this he, for whatever reason, decided he wanted to get the chibi plushie of the Rogue Titan from the 'Attack On Titans' game he and Jean always played together.

"Alright..!"

Pumping himself up he lifted the hammer high in the air ready to strike the dumb carnival game with everything he had. There was no way he was holding back! Bringing the hammer down with all the force he could muster his green eyes eagerly watched the red indicator fly up and just reach the half-way mark before it started to come back down...along with his heart. A knot started to form at the back of his throat as something akin to disgust and rage started to fill his belly.

"Congratulations Sir you may choose one of the lower to mid-tier end prizes!"

He barely registered that sentence...congratulations..? Was he fucking joking? Congratulations for what!? Sucking at life?! Congratulations on being second best! Congratulations on being a weak little shit who couldn't win a dumb carnival prize for his stupid perfect girlfriend! Congratulations his ass!

"I want to try again." He said gritting his teeth...He was surprised he hadn't shouted it out as every fiber of his being began to vibrate with hot ire.

"Eren if you want a certain prize I can get it for you." Mikasa suggested gently pulling the hammer out of his hands…

She walked up toward the front of the game...

_Stop…_

Blankley looked at the prizes and pointed at the rogue titan.

"That one right..?"

_Why are you doing this…?_

Despite not getting an answer it seemed like Mikasa was going to go through with it. She grabbed the hammer with both hands…

_Don't...you dare..._

Lifting it easily over her head…

_I was supposed to do it...I'm strong! _

She brought it down with a force no mortal should have.

_I...I...I'm just as s-strong as-_

The bell not only rung it was almost torn clean off the wooden board, screws and all...It hung desperately off its last remaining screw still moving back and forth from the momentum.

...Something cracked deep inside him...splintering and shattering as if Mikasa herself had taken a hammer and rammed it through…

"OH MY GOD! That was amazing! Little lady remind me not to get on your bad side. Haha."

"The prize please."

"Oh of course! You can either pick one from the top tier, two from the middle tier or three from the lower tier."

As the exchange went on Eren could only watch as something started to bubble in the pit of his stomach. It was vile and hot seeming to course through his veins and up to the flush of his cheeks...He bawled his fist…

"This was the one you had your eye on right..?" She asked shyly holding up the prize he wanted to win…

He bit the inside of his cheek and simply nodded before taking the plush from her hands holding it in a vice grip...as if strangling the poor thing….Oh, he wanted to do more than just strangling; he wanted to rip it's stupid head off! Quietly with head bowed down in embarrassment and fingers digging into the soft fabric of the doll he muttered a quiet thanks…

"Anything for you." She said before placing a soft kiss on his red cheeks.

He felt bile rise up from the back of his throat


	5. Frustration

It seemed like old habits die hard.

She reached for his hand and he pulled it away.

She leaned in to kiss him on the lips and he turned his head so she would kiss his cheek.

It was...frustrating...to say the least. She thought they were past this…

She pulled and he pushed.

He'd pull away and her grip would tighten.

Why?

Did she do something wrong? She must have made him mad somehow...She had to make it up to him! This was her fault. She wasn't giving him enough attention. She wasn't appreciating him enough. Her efforts were lacking so she had to do more!

.

.

Why?

.

.

Why? Is he still pushing her away?! What did she do? What was she _failing _to do?! She was doing everything she could to make him happy. She was making his lunch, she was cleaning his room, doing his laundry, buying him gifts, scheduling his appointments, fixing her schedule around his, she even tired joining in on his gaming sessions! She was doing everything she could think of!

**Why wasn't it enough!? **

Why wasn't _she _enough…?

She just wanted to feel loved, to feel useful. What was he expecting of her? When will he be satisfied?!

_ Why was he so selfish?! _

.

.

No, that's not right

.

.

She had to do more.

She would find a way. She _had _to. Maybe doing his homework for him? He always hated history… She could also make study notes for him since he was failing biology… Yes, that was it! Surely she wasn't being generous or thoughtful enough. That's why he didn't give her any more of his sweet smiles or gentle kisses. That had to be it.

"Quit being such a mom Mikasa!" He yelled as she moved to clean his face slapping her hands away.

"I'm not a baby so leave me alone already!" He continued with a glare.

"Are you a stalker or something? You're fucking creeping me out." He seethed when he found her hiding behind a tree after he told her he was going to hang out with some of his friends…

"Do you really not trust me that much?" He demanded with an expression that was equal parts betrayed and equal parts angry.

"I'm not stupid! Stop acting like you're better than me!"

Every word was sharp and jaded. He cut her down, striking her with words over anything he could. Made an argument for every sweet gesture she did and picked a fight wherever he could. She never saw any reason to fight back against him so he always ' won '. Every squabble, every snide remark, and every petty fight was won by him when she backed down.

However, she still tried to do more, still tried to find that sweetness. He was a good person. For every word that slashed across her frail heart, there was a soft pair of hands that clumsily put it back together. Every glare was accompanied by a bittersweet kiss and every snide or rude remark was met with quiet apologies later... It was a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. Cold, then hot. Bitter then sweet.

The distant taste of sweetness still lingered in her tongue faint and delicate...She always came back for it ...for just a taste of it like a fly drawn to honey…

He, in turn, always apologized because he knew that what he said hurt her, cut her so deep that her heart would start to bleed...He often felt guilt and shame run up his body grounding him back to reality. Forcing him to have to see the consequences of his actions.

There was disgust in feeling victorious whenever he easily got her to back off and he hated that just the sight of her crescent fallen face was enough for him to yield in turn...And yet another part of him was also mad at her for submitting to him so easily. With shoulders slumped and eyes downcast in a shameful mournful gaze he kept his jaw locked as a grimace overtook his face…

Walking down the lonely desolate street he kicked a stone that was in his way watching as it flew across the pavement before hitting the ground...It's been almost four years now...soon both he and Mikasa would be graduating from high school...The foreboding pressure of that event just worsened his already bad mood. Jeez, everything was just... so shitty…

"...Hey, been a while." A light smack on his head snapped him out of his stupor.

His surprised expression quickly changed into a grimace.

"What the fuck do you want know jackass?" He growled, turning his whole body to face the blonde.

This was all Jean's fault! Everything was perfect till he decided to open his big stupid mouth!

Jean shifted his weight and scratched the back of his head sheepishly all the while trying to avoid direct eye contact.

"Okay yeah, I kind of deserved that after...last time…"

"Answer my fucking question or screw off!"

"Will you shut your impatient ass up! I'm trying to fix things!" Jean shouted.

Fix? What was there to fix? What could he do? He was the reason this mess even started! He should just stop meddling in other people's lives!

"I like you, okay…"

Whatever fury he contained in his body suddenly vanished floating away in puffs of steam leaving behind a bewildered face…

"W-What I mean is...You're not...a complete jerk and I do consider you a friend..my best friend actually and...I miss you.." He mumbled the last part cheeks a bright red as he avoided Eren's green gaze.

.

.

.

"...thank I guess…" The words tumbled out quietly, softly almost inaudible…

The anger hadn't completely dissipated it still grew hot in his stomach but there was something else...dissatisfaction?

Why?

Oh yeah probably because this didn't change the fact that his relationship with Mikasa was sinking faster than the titanic.

.

.

.

"W-well it's late now so we should-"

"Is that it?"

"Huh?"

"Is. That. It?"

"Eren? What do you want from me?" He ran a frustrated hand through his golden locks, letting out a sigh.

What did he want?

"..." He bit his lip in thought as he bawled his fist in frustration….

Why was everything so confusing? He hated it; hated feeling angry and sad and pathetic. Was everything his fault? No! It couldn't be, he had done nothing wrong.

"I-It's your fault…!" He managed. Feeling the words burn the back of his throat…retribution from how untrue those words were.

"My fault? Eren what the fuck are you on about?"

"It's your fault we're like this..! If you hadn't said anything!"

Jean was a lot of things but he wasn't an idiot...most of the time...he was able to connect the dots and he knew Eren was just looking for a scapegoat...Something to direct his anger to that wasn't himself...He hated seeing his friend like this...

"I'm sorry you think that...Regardless if I had said something or not...the fact that something that small caused all of this probably means it really wasn't meant to be…." Jean let out a sigh…

It was dark and it was getting cold and they didn't really have time to hold a fucking therapy session outside on his neighborhoods street corner.

"Listen, do you still have my number?"

Eren reluctantly told him that yes, he still had his number.

"Eren...I'm not an expert in relationships by any means...but if you ever want to vent or some shit just text me...Better yet call me and we can hang out like old times…"

He placed a comforting hand on Eren's shoulder. Eren stiffened at the warm contact...his heart stuck in his throat...Why did Jean always have to be so reasonable?

"...Fine..." He grumbled.

"You know this isn't just Mikasa's fault right? So stop emotionally abusing her. She's my friend to you know."

After saying his last piece Jean gave his friend a few hearty slaps on the back before making his way home casually waving goodbye as he walked away….

He felt a knot form at the back of his throat as the word Jean said rang in his ears…

E-emotional abuse…?


End file.
